Yes, absolutely. You may feel better one day and assume that you will continue to feel better and better each consecutive day. However, it’s very common to be feeling fine one day and then a bit worse another day. This can be caused by something external (an event, comment, or even seeing an animal that reminds you of yours) or internal (a dream or thought or memory). Grief isn’t a linear process and it tends to ebb and flow. While this can be frustrating since we tend to like defined progress, knowing this may help you learn to ride the waves with a bit more patience.

Guilt is an extremely common reaction to losing a beloved pet. The relationship between a pet companion and pet parent is unique in that the parent is responsible for the pet’s well-being throughout their entire lifetime. They never become self-sufficient, grow up and move out. This fact, paired with the fact that many pet parents have to make the very tough decision to euthanize their pet, makes it easy to full into the guilt trap. It is not always clear when is the exact right time, so we may question if we did it too soon or waited too long. If a pet dies unexpectedly or suddenly we look for who to blame and we often think it’s ourselves. If it’s sickness, we wonder why we couldn’t heal them. But in fact, death is a given with every living creature.

As common as guilt is, it’s a tricky one. For one thing, it’s not just a simple emotion, but also a belief. We believe we did something wrong so we feel bad. Often this belief has little connection to reality, yet still we ruminate. Self forgiveness is key to healing. 

Anger is another common emotion to come up when grieving a pet death. When we’re in pain, we want to find someone to blame it on. It is very common to feel angry towards the vet. I personally experienced this when I rushed my cat to the emergency vet and he was DOA. Somehow I was still furious that the vet couldn’t save him. Completely illogical, but it also felt very real at the time! Sometimes anger is an emotion we use to shield ourselves from truly feeling sad; a distraction from the pain if you will. But this just prolongs the process of healing. In a sense anger is like guilt turned outward. While it is natural to feel it, we must work through it to heal.

This is a question I struggled with myself quite a bit. And I wish there were an easy answer. If we knew it would take a month, 8 weeks, a season or a year, just knowing when it would be over would be a comfort. But there is no set timeline, and not only every person is different but every death that person experiences is different. Sometimes I felt better after a couple months, sometimes it took a year. Some people might need longer.

One thing that helped me was to give myself a break from checking in with myself every day to see how I was feeling. I gave myself a checkin date a couple months after the loss, with the agreement with myself that I wouldn’t even expect to feel better until then. A funny thing happened. As soon as I relinquished the daily self examination, I was able to relax and accept my grief. When the two months was up, I did feel better. My healing journey wasn’t over but by giving myself a break, it felt smoother. Of course, this may not work for you but feel free to try it and see if it helps.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You’ve had a huge loss. Take all the time you need.

We have a really unique relationship with our animal companions. For some, it may be our only experience of true unconditional love. Add to that the fact that we interact with them on a daily basis for years, share a home with them, and they are always there for us when we need them and it’s not too much of a stretch to see why we miss them so much when they’re gone. They are literally sometimes the reason we get up in the morning. No wonder we may not feel like getting out of bed for a while after they die. Our relationships with humans are often more complicated, more transactional, and less satisfying. It’s understandable to be sadder about losing your animal than your cousin, grandmother or fill-in-the-blank. 

It’s totally normal. You may have a hard time concentrating on work or making small talk at a social gathering. You may be a bit more tuned out than normal. Decisions may be difficult and if at all possible, you may want to put off making big decisions. Whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, your perspective is skewed when you’re grieving. If you weren’t already planning it, don’t rush into a breakup, a big move, a job change or adding a new animal family member while you’re still feeling heartbroken. Be extra gentle and patient with yourself. 

The anxiety and sadness leading up to the loss of a beloved animal can sometimes be even worse than the period after death. This is called anticipatory grief. Acknowledging that your pet is approaching the end of life can evoke feelings of dread, helplessness, overwhelm, disbelief and confusion, especially if the decision on if and when to euthanize is involved. This can be an extremely stressful period. Try to be easy on yourself, stay in the moment and focus on giving your animal as much comfort and joy as possible. Try and give yourself some too. Don’t forgo self-care. 

This can be a really tough one. Sometimes the people you thought you were closest to don’t seem to be there for you in the way that you’d like. And you may feel uncomfortable talking about why you’re grieving with those you aren’t as close to (although sometimes support comes from unexpected sources).

It’s a fact that pet bereavement is a disenfranchised grief. Our society at large doesn’t see pet deaths as being worthy of public recognition, time off work, memorials, etc. In a way, cultural norms around the death of a pet haven’t caught up with our feelings about their role in our lives, because many people certainly consider them family. And people may say things that are meant to be helpful, but actually make you feel worse.  

But sometimes people surprise you in a good way, like when my coworkers sent me a meal, or when my friend who had never even had a cat somehow knew just what to say and do to make me feel supported and loved. Focus on the positive interactions and let them help guide who you spend time around. Allow yourself as much alone time as you need.

Let them know you’re there for them. Give them a call or a text, send a card or flowers, offer to go over to their place or take them somewhere to get out of their place, ask them how they’re feeling, and practice active listening. Allow them to express their feelings and be a witness to them. Validate their feelings. Let them know they’re not alone. You don’t need to “cheer them up” so much as “hear them out”. 

Not sure what to say? It’s totally fine to say “I don’t know what to say.” Skip the clichés and speak from the heart. Or just listen. Remember, when someone is grieving they are often very fragile. They may need a lot of alone time. They may be more quiet or touchy. Give them space if they need it. This article has some good tips. 

It is not uncommon to find yourself in a cycle of repetitive thoughts around the death of a loved one. Cognitive therapy may be helpful for reframing disturbing thoughts or images replaying in your mind. If the loss was traumatic, you may be having symptoms of PTSD. Some of those symptoms include sleep disorders, nightmares and difficulties functioning. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) may help; this type of therapy uses a technique called bilateral stimulation which moves the memory to a more functional part of the brain. 

Friends and family can be a good support system but if you’re feeling like you are struggling with how to heal, please do consider seeing a mental health professional, counselor, or grief specialist. Pet loss support groups can also be valuable for the healing process and are often a good free or donation-based alternative option.